“Oh gosh, I just feel inundated with this desire to draw every detail of every building onto a piece of clean, perfectly crisp white plain paper with my black fineliners – preferably 0.2mm but 0.1mm will do also. I just need to unleash the sound of the linesand shapes I’m seeing in front of me and make it all come together serene and sensibly before my brain explodes. I may have replaced my intense sadness with this need to create art but is that really so bad? I feel everything in the ink that flows from my pens right now, I need this as much as I need water, nutrition, sleep. Maybe even more than I need sleep. It is so very frustrating that my mind cannot outperform my body and just keep on going and going and going. Although never would I have thought it probable, I have always been aware that it is not impossible to feel this way. I need these colours all over my pages.”
Now that’s an extract taken from my diary on the 19th March 2015. I wrote that at around 2am when I thought I was literally going to burst with all the things going on in my mind. It has been four months since my Father passed away. He had suffered since 2008 with Motor Neurone Disease and he finally just felt like he had to go I guess. I can’t blame him. We all watched what he went through and it was a tad traumatising to say the least.
It is strange when I really think of his passing and the symbolic nature of saying goodbye to a human being so close to my heart.I watched him die, I held his hand as his soul left his body. As the machine beeped slowly, eventually flat lining until the Doctor pronounced his death. Very sad. But then again it was very beautiful. Why? Because the degradation of the human body caused by this horrible disease was no more. He passed away leaving us with memories of his integrity, his strength and his perseverance to be the best Father he could have been. And so after watching his last moments, how can I live the carefree life of others my age that I have wished to have all these years. There IS an urgency to Life, and so I resigned from working in a school I loved because that school was my comfort zone. And I’ve seen enough to know that at any moment, we can literally become ashes to ashes and dust to dust.